A story of self betrayal

Last year we read The Anatomy of Peace in one of our basic MFT classes. Not only has it been a book that has been a foundation of how I do therapy, it also changed my life. It's also a pretty easy read. I highly recommend it.

The basic premise is that when we fight with others we treat them as objects. Either as a tool to help us achieve something or a means to an end. It sucks to feel used.

When we view and treat others a people we fight less. We see them as people with desires, wants, needs, and even feelings. Viewing people as people it is basically impossible to take advantage of them.

While this is good an all, my favorite part of the book is the concept of self-betrayal. The premise is that there something inside of us that gives us ideas--call it a conscience, the spirit of God, intuition. I truly do believe that such a thing exists. Self-betrayal is when you act contrary to how you feel that you should; when you do not obey this voice or thought inside of you is talking (sometimes screaming at you).

When I was a missionary in Romania one of my first companions and I were walking to an appointment that never actually let us in. It sucked to walk all the way across town and find an address and then not even be let in the door--or even the curtsey of being spoken to. I had a feeling that we should stick around the area and knock on the surrounding doors and suggested it to my companion, but he made fun of me and shrugged it off like it was a terrible idea. That was the last time I shared a feeling with him or any companion. Every time I didn't share a feeling, I betrayed myself. And it hurt. I regret it. Most likely there would have been no "golden contact" behind any of those doors--but I would have been at peace with myself. Instead I have been betraying myself...and each time it became easier and easier to do.

While training to be a therapist (and before that as a foreman at a rafting company) I have become very forward. I say things that I feel need to be said. Sometimes they are abrasive, sometimes they are hard to hear and hard to say. I don't lie about them. However, when it has come to feelings of a spiritual nature--I have continued to betray myself. Because I am scared.

Tonight while talking with a guy who has become a great friend in my cohort here in Las Vegas, I had one of these feelings again. He shared his feelings/desires for this calling as a family therapist to be a much greater calling than just helping a few families, perhaps to change the way our culture discusses sex and hurt and relationships entirely. I share his thoughts that there is such a need, and that I have often felt that there is a greater calling. But I'm scared to expect it to be anything more than just helping one person. I'm scared to admit I feel that the calling is much greater. While he spoke to me of his desire and feelings that this "chance" meeting of therapists in our program may not just be chance, I felt a familiar feeling. One that I have often shrugged off.

I almost shrugged it off again and betrayed myself like I have done so many times before--but not this time. I shared my fears and shared something along the lines of, "I feel what you are saying is true. I believe in what you are saying, I believe in you." My friend grabbed me in a bear hug and we cried together. It was unexpected, but the feeling was powerful. I am scared to admit that I feel this job of being a family therapist will help to change my friends, family, and maybe even our religion--but I feel that it is true.

This is my story of finally learning to stop betraying myself.

As a post-script to this. I always anticipated that I would marry an amazing girl. I was never interested in anything less. I feel I got that with Molly. However, I did not anticipate that she would be so amazing that her love would help to heal me to drastically, and that she would transform me from a college dropout into a Master's student at/near the top of my class. She is more amazing than I every could have imagined. I know that it is difficult for her (and me) to be gone such long hours at school--but I am so glad that I have such a loving, support, beautiful, caring, and good wife to love and support me. I could not do it without her. I am so happy to have her on my team while raising our baby!