It's June...which means it's almost July...

While I think it is expected that graduate school is stressful, I feel that I have been abnormally stressed out lately.  It really was brought to my attention by a friend at school when she called me out on the weird stressed out behavior I have--I smile a fake big smile and laugh.  I feel like I've done that a lot lately.  So to attempt to explain how I feel, I'm going to use a check-in that we use in some of our therapy session.

Physically, I'm tired.  I started teaching gymnastics part-time to make a little bit of cash to pay some bills.  While Molly is loving her personal training, I dread teaching gymnastics.  Not because I hate it, I actually enjoy it; it feels like I'm taking a giant step backward.  I started teaching gymnastics when I was 16, here I am 14 years later still doing it.  Though it has been great for me--my old fat body is not used to tumbling and flipping and stretching like I used to.  I'm sore every day and sure love those days when I can sleep in (when Molly doesn't kick me out of the bed with her snoring--which I like to rub in because now she's the one that snores!)

Emotionally, I feel drained.  Some days I cry on the drive home from school.  Not really because anything bad is happening (other than clients cheating on each other and forcefully hospitalizing a client) but because it is so emotional.  I feel like my body is just so full of emotion that I need to get it out.  Sitting in the shower has been a great place--Molly can't hear me this way.

Spiritually, I feel in tune.  It's been years since I felt I was on the right track.  I feel that there are good things awaiting me and Molly and working together is really going to prove our key to success.  I sure am glad that I met her.  She has helped to heal me in so many ways.

Part of my stress comes from our package of joy due July 1.  We are excited just like everyone asks--but I am also terrified.  I kinda wish Poppy (our nickname for her) would stay in the womb for another 9 months.  I think I'd be a lot more prepared then.  Sometimes it seems like every is just so excited about having a baby, so ready to hold and cuddle the baby without any fear.  Of course I can't wait to meet her, see what she looks like, and hold her.  I'm excited.  But there is a big part of me that is terrified.  How am I going to care for this wonderful being being gifted to us?  I'm scared I'll never sleep another night.  I'm scared this knot in my right shoulder will get even bigger.  I'm scared that I won't be able to provide for her and protect her.

Teaching gymnastics at $10 an hour 1-6 hours a week just ain't going to cut it.

I have to believe that there are other people out there (maybe it's just a guy thing...my male support system is way too low) that feel this fear.  Everyone I talk to just seems to think it's silly.  While I appreciate the confidence it doesn't really make me feel any better.

P.S.  It's June, which means it's almost July.  Which means that Poppy is almost hear, which means it's almost time for me to need to be gather data for my thesis, which means it's almost time for graduation, which means Poppy is almost 1, which means I'm almost starting a PhD program (hopefully), which means Poppy is almost starting school, which means she is almost 18!  OH MY!