Melancholia

I've been a little depressed the last several days--maybe weeks.  In fact, it's April and I'm depressed again.  It seems to be a pattern for me. I can remember dropping out of track in high school about this time--despite winning meets consistently. I can remember being depressed and dropping out (failing out) of college about this time--despite travelling all across the country with the BYU Cheer squad for basketball tournaments and NCAA March Madness and Cheer Nationals and a week in Daytona Florida.  Before graduating from BYU and coming down to Las Vegas I was also pretty depressed.

One of my professors brought me into her office to talk about it she was so worried. I had just been accepted to 2 MFT graduate programs, gotten engaged to a beautiful caring woman, and was preparing to graduate from BYU--but I was depressed.

Last year, Gerda died about this time.  I can remember being more than a little depressed then too.  However my feelings were less worrisome last year because they made sense. This year, it has been harder to make the connection.

We are preparing to move to Minnesota for my PhD program. I have worked extra hard throughout my Master's program to even get considered for Minnesota's program. We want to be by family, we want to get out of the heat of Vegas. We want to get away from the driver's that speed up and pass you as soon as you turn your blinker on here. We want to be around people that are just nicer.

Yet still here I am in April and depressed again.  On my drive to work this morning it suddenly hit me.  It was about this time that my brother Eric died.   I don't remember when his funeral was, or when he went missing, but I do know that during this time 23 years ago my family was struggling to deal with his loss.  I think that is the big connection to my history of depression in the Spring.  I just miss him more now than normally.